


IRL Issues

by prouvairablehulk



Category: Arrow (TV 2012), DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Fandom AU, Gen, I Don't Even Know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 13:44:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8580769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prouvairablehulk/pseuds/prouvairablehulk
Summary: chillbones sent you a message
 Oh, for crying out loud. 
  chillbones sent you a message





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this ages ago and only just realized I hadn't cross-posted from my tumblr, so here, have this absurdly self-indulgent tumblr/fandom au

**chillbones sent you a message**

Wally clicks his phone locked again to shut down the notification and goes back to listening to Iris and Joe half-arguing about police procedure. 

**chillbones sent you a message**

Oh, for crying out loud. 

**chillbones sent you a message**

Wally thumbs his phone unlocked under the table, and goes to read them. It’s not like Iris and Joe are paying attention to him right now. 

**chillbones: why are you picking fights with Reylo shippers again?**

**chillbones: holy shit did you make them cry?**

**chillbones: my son look at my son I’m so proud of you**

Wally smothers a grin. Bones has been in his life for years now, pretty much ever since he got into fandom. Making Bones happy or proud gives Wally the same buoyant feeling that pleasing his mom or Joe does. 

**eatmytailights: yes I’m picking fights w/ reylo shippers**

**eatmytailights: fuck reylo shippers**

**eatmytailights: everything I do is to make you proud**

When all’s said and done, Wally thinks of Bones as family. 

**fawkes-hot mentioned you in a post**

Perhaps as a result, Wally had ended up adopted by Fawkes, Bones’ verging on crazy partner/boyfriend/husband/SO of indeterminate descriptor. Wally really doesn’t mind, because Fawkes is the kind of guy who would fight someone in a Denny’s parking lot at 2am over a perceived slight on you honor, while also writing the best AUs Wally’s ever read.

**fawkes-hot: IM ALIVE (Bones already knows this I’m posting from his couch) HEY SMOLS™ I AINT DEAD @eatmytailights @tickticktickboom @queen-katiekate @chxoticneutrall @cumulonelson @sapphicstature @off-the-recxrd  
#status update #the smols #my tiny children #how have you been**

Wally glances up, confirms that Iris and Joe are still absorbed in their discussion, and quickly reblogs the post with a happy Toothless gif. Then he locks his phone, and wades into the discussion his family are having. 

***

Wally, or, as the fandom knows him, Lights, was the original Smol™. Bones and Fawkes adopted him when he was a tiny baby just getting into the Torchwood fandom, and they’ve stuck around ever since. Wally’s perfectly aware that treating two mutuals as father figures probably is not healthy, but he’s going to do it anyway. Bones and Fawkes have yet to steer him wrong. The other Smols™ have been collected along the way. CN (chxoticneutrall) is Bones’ baby sister, who followed them into fandom with glee, and spends most of her time tracking down terfs and promoting bi visibility. Cumulonelson is a lawyer somewhere who Fawkes found trying to give the Daredevil fandom pointers on making their fic accurate, and promptly adopted. She brought Saph (sapphicstature), her sister, which Bones and CN both appreciated. Katie-Kate was Saph’s fandom buddy, who was side-along adopted after she and CN got into some serious headcanon swapping, and Boom was brought in after a particularly vehement Uhura protection rant. Recxrd is Bones’ hockey buddy, and managed to get all of them into Check, Please! 

The Smols™ have a WhatsApp group chat that goes at any hour of the day or night, usually with a mix of memes, whining about their lives, music recs, and freakouts regarding updates or new issues and episodes. There’s another that includes The Tols™, which updates less regularly and during normal waking hours, because they’ve all heard Bones’ “sleep is important go to sleep” lecture before, and Fawkes’ accompanying “then you should sleep you hypocrite how much coffee have you drunk today” rant, while amusing, is not something you want to hear too many times. 

When Wally gets the chance to look at his phone next, he’s got about twenty notifications to wade through. Most of them are reblogs on his latest gifset, which he makes a mental note to check the tags on later, but some of them are from the Fam. 

**chxoticneutrall reblogged your post and added: I’m literally in the kitchen, Fawkes, I know you’re fine**

**tickticktickboom reblogged your post and added: [yaaaaaaas.gif]**

**queen-katiekate reblogged your post and added: thank god update the prison AU fic now pls**

**sapphicstature reblogged your post and added: just in time for the update!**

**chillbones reblogged your post and added: don’t get caught, next time.**

**fawkes-hot reblogged your post and added: [eyeroll.gif]**

There’s also an ask from Boom asking for a Finn + Bastille gifset that Wally will make as soon as he’s got his laptop up with photoshop running. Wally loves his little nerd family, and nothing will change that. 

***

**fawkes-hot: @tickticktickboom is a precious cinnamon roll and we refuse to be the ones to corrupt him**

**tickticktickboom: fuck you I’m all on my own**

#the tols are being mean #i got drugged asshole #you could at least bring me back a drink

Wally snickers a little, and taps the post until the little red heart floats into the air. 

***

**tickticktickboom: I need to stop getting hurt.**

**chillbones: yes you do**

**fawkes-hot: cinnamon roll no be more careful**

#the smols #cinnamon roll son 

Boom responds to Wally’s frantic message with assurances that it’s just his ASL acting up again. Wally wants to believe him, but he doesn’t. 

***

He’s in the cortex of STAR Labs when it happens. He’s been helping with Barry’s little Team Flash shenanigans for a while now, while learning to control his new speed, but this time the Waverider’s crew has stepped in to help. Wally’s generally okay with them - especially Jax, who he’d discovered was his fandom brother Boom, but he’s still worried about having Captain Cold and Heatwave in the middle of their HQ. He’s sitting on Cisco’s desk, nervously eyeing the two of them, lounged in the middle of the cortex, when Jax makes a grumpy comment about being left out of the plan. 

“Cinnamon roll.” sing-songs Heatwave. 

“Small small cinnamon roll.” Cold chimes in. 

Wally snorts out a laugh, and then stops, replaying what just happened in his head. 

Oh my god. OH MY GOD. 

Wally needs to go home and go through some blogs immediately. 

It takes 30 minutes for Wally to confirm what he’d suspected. There are far too many cold puns on Bones’ blog, and the jobs he talks about line up with robberies in the CCPD system that Snart and Rory have been connected to. Fawkes’ mysterious hiatuses line up with Rory’s stints in prison. “Scarlet the Hedgehog”, the pain in the ass who kept making Bones’ life hard, makes more sense as a tag when you realize it’s referring to The Flash. 

Wally’s Fandom Dads are Captain Cold and Heatwave. _Wally’s Fandom Dads are Captain Cold and Heatwave._

This is either the greatest thing to ever happen to him, or the worst. 


	2. Ship Manifesto

GROUPCHAT: THE SMOLS

_Boom: guys we need to talk - Skype?_

_Nell: We can chat here, honey_

_Lights: No, we need to face to face this. We’ve got some fic-quality identity porn going on_

_Saph: You’re planning something_

_Saph: What?_

_Lights: We’re gonna troll the Tols_

_Katie-Kate: is that a good idea?_

_Boom: after what Bones pulled at the Oculus, it’s damn close to necessary._

_Saph: WHAT THE SHIT_

_Saph: SKYPE NOW_

_Lights: Call me and I’ll make it a group call_

_***_

Saph is the first person to call them, and Wally’s not surprised to see Sara Lance on the other end of the call. 

“Hey, Sara!” says Jax, wiggling his fingers as Wally smooths the “hello my name is Boom” sticker down on his chest. 

“It’s Len? Bones is Len?” she demands. 

“Mmhmm.” says Jax, sounding far too smug. 

“Fawkes is Mick, and CN is-” 

Wally’s cut off by Lisa joining the conversation. 

“Hey, cuties!” 

“Hi Lisa!” Wally and Jax chime in unison. 

“Lisa?” 

The new voice belongs to Laurel, who appears behind her sister, phone in hand. 

“Hi, Nell.” drawls Lisa, her voice dropping in pitch a few notches. 

“Stop flirting with my sister unless you mean it, Golden Glider.” says Sara. Lisa rolls her eyes, but whips out her phone and starts typing. As soon as she stops, Laurel’s buzzes. Jax starts giggling. 

“Don’t think you’re getting a free pass there, Boom. When did you start dating our boy Lights?” 

Honestly, Wally didn’t notice Katie-Kate joining the call, but Thea Queen is still there, smirking from her comfortable slouch across a wheelie chair. 

“Also,” she continues, “how come Laurel always gets the pretty morally grey women hitting on her? I want a go.” 

Lisa laughs, delighted. There’s a little bling, and Wally clicks the button to let Recxrd into the call. 

“I would be happy to flirt with you too, little Queen.” 

“I’m calling dibs, I’m the one in the right city.” declares Linda Park. She’s in her kitchen, plainly calling them on her phone while she makes tea. 

“Dear god, we’re so very queer.” says Jax, and leans into Wally’s side. Wally curls an arm around his shoulders and smiles. 

“What was it we were actually talking about? Why was whatever Bones did a big deal?” Linda asks, setting the tea strainer aside and carrying them through her apartment. 

“Bones is Leonard Snart, and he almost died saving the world.” says Jax. 

Linda stops dead. 

“Oh my god, I was adopted by Captain Cold and Heatwave.” her gobsmacked expression turns thoughtful, and her head twists to one side. “Hey Lisa, does that mean I get a discount on drinks at Saints and Sinners?” 

“Oh, I like you.” 

“We need to get revenge on him for almost leaving us.” says Sara. 

“FAKE RELATIONSHIP AU.” declares Laurel, who’s out of frame for some reason. 

Thea grins like a shark. 

“Hey Lisa, date me to scare your brother!” 

Laurel comes back into frame remarkably quickly. 

“Thea, no.” 

“Thea, YES.” 

“I have another idea.” says Linda. A link appears in the accompanying group message, leading to a post from a Captain Cold fanblog regarding his apparent eternal bachelordom. Lisa cracks up. 

“What if we managed to make them a ship?” 

“Coldwave.” says Laurel, in a lawyer-voice that brooks no room for argument. “The ship name is Coldwave.” 

“I don’t know,” says Wally. “I feel like we’re missing an opportunity by not calling it Freezer Burn.” 

Lisa’s still laughing. 

“Coldwave.” says Sara, definitively. “Linds, you’re a genius.” 

“Yo, guys, there’s four different camera angles from their last fight with Barry thanks to the news media.” says Thea, bent over the keyboard of another computer.  
“Hey, Wally, if I send this to you could you gif it?” 

“Of course. What’s in there that’s going to help us?” 

“Desperately pulling each other out of the way, lots of clutching at each other as they dodge around while fighting, some low-key groping on the getaway motorcycle.” 

Lisa drags in a breath, and then continues laughing. 

“Are we making sideblogs?” asks Laurel. 

“Nah, we should use the platform we have.” says Wally. “We are BNFs, after all.” 

“Linda, this is inspired. I’ll write the manifesto.” Jax says, serious. 

Lisa finally manages to stop laughing. 

“Have y’all considered switching sides?” 

She gets six identical glares in response. 

_***_

**eatmytailights: @queen-katiekate is this a new ship I see forming?**

**[image description: six gifs of Captain Cold and Heatwave fighting the Flash. The first two show them pulling each other out of the way of attacks. The second two show Cold half-collapsed against Heatwave’s chest. The final two show Heatwave curled over Cold on a motorcycle, fingers stroking over Cold’s stomach and maybe lower.]**

**cumulonelson: my lawyer self says bad, but my fangirl self is belting out Hamilton’s part to “Say No To This”**

**queen-katiekate: So I googled their alter-egos, and they’ve been working together for like twenty years?**

**tickticktickboom: oh my god they both have sealed Juvie records, do you think they met that way?**

**sapphicstature: #Lord show me how to say no to this # brain: ship the supervillains #me: why? #brain: you gotta #I nominate #coldwave #as the ship name #I will  
now show myself to the trash (via @cumulonelson) bless these tags** \ 

**chxotic-neutrall: oh my god are you becoming those slightly weird RPF people why [promotehimtogarbageboss.gif]**

**off-the-recxrd: *chants* otp otP OTP OTP**

#coldwave #my perfect garbage ship #otp: freezer burn 

10, 473 notes 

_******* _

****chillbones: what have I done to deserve this** **

#to delete later #Bones yells into the void 

_********* ** _

**cumulonelson: OH MY GOD CALLING ALL COLDWAVE SHIPPERS THIS IS NOT A DRILL H O L Y S H I T  
So Lights and Katie-Kate got me on the bandwagon, and Boom’s already done a bit of poking, so I thought I’d have a look for public trial transcripts regarding the two of them, and there’s one that’s literally a DA trying to get their marriage annulled on the basis that it existed only for the purpose of spousal privilege. Yes, you read that right. They’re married. ** **[officeomg.gif]**

**highlight: their marriage was upheld**

**[itshappening.gif]**

**additional highlight: The point in the transcript where the defense lawyer makes a point to mention they were making out in the holding room.**

**[everybodystaycalm.gif]**

**holy shit guys I think we’re canon?**

**#coldwave #I’m a garbage man in a garbage can #What am I doing with my life #I’m a lawyer**

_*********** ** ** _

**sapphicstature: YFIP: @cumulonelson  
** kills the entire coldwave fandom  
oh my god its real  
our ship is real 

**#coldwave #i can’t breathe #is this the real life**

_************* ** ** ** _

**chillbones sent you a message**

**chillbones: did you prompt this?**

**chxotic-neutrall: no**

**chxotic-neutrall: but I wish I did**

_*************** ** ** ** ** _

**eatmytailights: #ROBIN HOOD (thanks @off-the-recxrd for the footage)**

**[image description: two gifs of Cold and Heatwave. In the first, they are leaving money in the back room of a HRC gala. In the second, they are kissing.]**

_***************** ** ** ** ** ** _

**Anonymous asked: your opinion on coldwave?**

**queen-katiekate answered: LET THIS SHIP RISE**

_******************* ** ** ** ** ** ** _

**Anonymous asked: Coldwave + 17?**

**cumulonelson answered: I KNOW ITS YOU BOOM DON’T LIE also [athos voice] i can’t belieeeeeveeeee i wrote this. here have 2,500 words of domestic supervillians and be appeased.**

_********************* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _

**chxotic-neutrall sent you a message**

**chxotic-neutral: is that why you were quizzing me about breakfast**

**cumulonelson: DONT LOOK AT ME**

**chxotic-neutrall: thats going to make it hard for Linda and I to take you to dinner**

**cumulonelson: …… i suppose I can give you a pass**

_*********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _

**eatmytailights: WTF IS THIS**

**[image description: three gifs detailing the following: Heatwave winks at the camera, bends Cold over backwards, and kisses him messily]**

**tickticktickboom: [fainting.gif]**

**off-the-recxrd: HE DID THAT**

**cumulonelson: fuck he knows do you think they read fic? goodbye my friends - if i stop posting know i love you all deeply and Len Snart murdered me for writing  
hypothetical porn about him.**

**fawkes-hot: looks like Heatwave would protect you**

_************************* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _

Mick’s first appearance in the now-weekly fam Skype results in much delighted screaming, and an end date for their little plan - a week from the call, at which point everyone everyone will be in Central and able to participate. It also results in Mick promising to give them more giffing materials, swapping numbers with Laurel so she could fact-check her fic, and suggesting a new bar for Linda to go to where she’d be less likely to get harassed. 

“And I owe you a hug when you get to Central, Red.” 

This last is directed at Thea, who beams. 

“Thanks, Dad.” she chirps, and Mick suddenly can’t quite look at the camera anymore. 

_************************* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _

“RAMON!” 

Cisco looks over at the cubby where the flash suit sits on its mannequin with some considerable trepidation, and then back up in time to not look suspicious when Len Snart comes storming into the Cortex. 

“What do you know about tumblr, Ramon?” snaps Len. 

“More than I really want to admit. What do you know about tumblr?” 

“That there’s an altogether too large community determined to ship me and Mick.” 

“Is that a bad thing?” 

“Nobody used to care about my marriage, Cisco. I want them to stop. How were you involved?” 

“I wasn’t.” 

Len looms a little in Cisco’s direction. 

“I wasn’t!” Cisco protests, and points over Len’s shoulder. “They were!” 

Len spins, and is confronted with a bank of women, expressions ranging from grumpy to unimpressed, all of whom look like they’re about three seconds away from kicking his ass. 

“Hey, Bones.” says Laurel Lance. Sara raises an eyebrow from next to her sister. There’s a soft strangled noise from Cisco at the identification. 

“What’s this we hear about you almost dying on us?” asks Linda Park. 

There’s a loud peal of laughter, followed by a thump as Wally West and Jax Jackson fall out of the suit cubby into a pile on the floor. 

“’Sup, Bones?” says Wally, from under the weight of Jax’s body. Jax has settled between Wally’s legs with a certain degree of familiarity, and plainly has no intention of moving. 

“Oh, my god.” says Len. It’s at that point that Mick appears around the corner, smirking in delight. 

“FAWKES!” screeches Thea, and throws herself off the desk and into his arms. 

“KATIE!” Mick bellows in response, and catches her. Len whimpers a little, because that means Mick’s in on it and he has no allies. 

“We’re going to be very disappointed if you die on us, Da.” says Linda. Sara’s still shooting him a look that suggests she’s counting how many ways she could murder him with the stationary on Cisco’s desk. It’s due to that expression that Linda’s term of address takes a little while to sink in. 

“Da?” he asks, disbelieving. 

“Da.” says Thea, authoritatively, still clinging to Mick like a spider monkey. 

“DAAAAAAAAAAA!” yell Wally and Jax, as they jump-hug Len from behind. Len flinches for a second, and then relaxes into their hold, slowly. 

“Group hug!” Wally declares, and all of Len’s kids descend in. 

_************************* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _

_**********************sapphicstature: family movie night w/ the Dads!** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _

_**********************[image description: a mess of legs - probably about nine or so people - under a blanket. About six family size bags of variety candy are visible amidst the hug. The television shows the title card for Snowpiercer.]** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** _


End file.
